So You Think I’m a Bad Parent?

Frequently, we hear people complain about how children are raised. I also complain about this, but my complaints differ with the collective voice that we hear about on a daily basis. People often try to explain away the actions of our youth. They say, "It's just kids being kids … It's not their fault," and the worst one, "They never had a father (or real family)." What happened to accountability? Where is the world I grew up in where kids were responsible for what they did whether it was right or wrong? As a child, I was well aware of what my parents expected of me. I followed the rules or met the consequences for disobedience. My parents taught me how to act and converse from a very young age. I knew that when speaking to adults, we were to call them "Mr." or "Mrs." Using words such as "Please" and "Thank you" were parts of fluid conversation, not a mandatory statement to get something from someone.

So when did we lose focus on parents actually parenting? Why are we trying to be our child's friend and not their parent? As a child, I knew I could play a game with my mom, or fish with Pop (I called my father Pop), but I was never confused with the idea that my parents were my friends. Time with my parents was special, and it was a great opportunity to learn from the best (I thought they were the best, and I was right!). I could trust Mom and Pop, and I could tell them anything without fear. Sure, I could play a game with my friends or go fishing, but it wasn't the same. My friends were the ones who judged me, and turned on me when the chips were down. My parents were always there, even when I wasn't being a "good boy." They were my greatest, most dependable allies in my journey to adulthood. Friends were never reliable, but my parents never faltered.

Commonly, a child's negative actions are blamed on external forces and not on the internal. I will not subscribe to the idea that a video game or a cartoon can cause a child to act irresponsibly. When I was growing up, I watched a cartoon coyote fall off cliffs and get smashed with huge boulders. I never tried to drop large rocks on people, or shoot someone after playing a violent video game. The difference between children of earlier generations and children of today is this; we were brought up with values, morals, and accountability. I was taught right from wrong, and my parents showed me what morality and responsibility are. My actions reflected on my parents, and more specifically my parents' ability to be parents. I bring up my children the same way as my parents raised me. Therefore, I should expect my child to act in the same manner as I would. My children should be respectful toward others, and be accountable for their action. Essentially, if my child was to act in a manner that was not socially acceptable, I have not done my job as a parent. It is my obligation to raise my children so they will grow into proper young adults.

One small disclaimer here, I have a blended household, and my biological child does not live with me. I personally feel that my biological son is not headed down the correct path, but I do my best to instill my values morals in him his mannerisms. I can only influence him in small increments as I only see him on the weekends. I have a responsibility to my son, and therefore I must do everything in my power to ensure my son knows right from wrong. Though I am not the primary parent in his life, I feel it is my obligation to teach my son to grow up with the correct morals, values and accountability. I might not be as influential with him as I am with my two bonus children (Stepchildren for those of you who do not know the term bonus-child), but I am responsible for showing all three children the correct way to live their lives.

Now, if it makes me a bad parent for being strict, having guidelines, expecting manners, and punishing bad behaviors, then you will never understand what it means to guide a child to become successful. I don't care if an "expert psychologist" doesn't agree with my parenting style, they are wrong. My children and I are the proof that they are wrong. Look at the local news and you will see what happens when kids are not raised with positive influences or held accountable for their actions. In a recent story, a minor in Rhode Island was caught transporting alcohol. The parents of one child said, "Kids being kids," and asking for the cops to look the other way. You look at all the kids that have gone wrong and you will notice one of two things; either they have limited guidance from their parents, or they have a "parent/friend." A "Parent/friend" is the parent who let there kids do anything they want, and "talk" about the issue with their child. There is no punishment, and no expectations. So when the child grows up, they believe that all they have to do is talk about what happened, and everything is better. The child never expects to be held accountable.

Let me think about how I might handle one of my kids if they transported alcohol. Um … how would I phrase this … (imagine a raised voice and a firm tone, not yelling) GO TO YOU ROOM! YOU ARE GROUNDED INDEFINITELY!
When I calm down, we can TALK about possible parole. I don't care why you did it, give me your cell phone, the computer is blocked, and I cut the cable to you TV. I took the speakers from your stereo, and your DVD player. Oh, and while I am at it, I'm borrowing the IPod I bought you. I hope you like country music because while you're grounded it will have my music collection! While I am thinking of it, here is your new chore list; clean my house top to bottom. I am going to the state prosecutor to make sure your punishment make you think twice before disobeying me or breaking the law again.

This is my main point: A child's actions are a reflection of a parent's ability to parent. You are the reason your child becomes who they are. By your actions, you are the one who influences who your children become. A parent should be a disciplinarian, a manager, a councilor, a therapist, and a teacher. There are many other things we become when we become parents, and I could not possibly list them all. But as parents, the most important thing we become is accountable for our children.